|What some days feel like on the road|
But mostly wanting to talk to the people I love and not just tiny profile photos online. Get a hug and not just shake hands with new people.
If you really want to know, this is how it feels to be traveling in the car by yourself. Sometimes. It can all make you feel a little lost in this great big world.
There is the other side. The part that everyone else sees is definitely glamorous... skiing at different resorts, meeting new people, taking photographs of some of the most beautiful places in North America. Being free to go where and when you please, within the limits of the road system. I know it looks amazing, and it is. But there are times when I wonder: Why I am doing this? Why am I sacrificing deep relationships and security for life in a constant unknown?
I don't want to put it as though this is the worst idea ever. It may very likely be the best thing I have ever done in my life. The answer to the aforementioned question is, I think, because I can't stop seeking. Like a hiker who just wants to see what's around the next bend, or a skier holding out on the traverse til they see what's on the other side of the mountain, I know there is going to be something spectacular waiting for me. I don't want to miss out. There's an insatiable hunger to know, to understand, to discover.
When I hit those points in my travels the high is so intense. I feel like the luckiest girl in the entire world. I'm living my dream, to an extent, and creating the most amazing life I could imagine.
|Lucky moment: topping out on a boulder problem over the Atlantic, NS|
Photo: Chris Surette
It's not that I am alone out here. I meet up with people from all over, people I've never met and people I've known from past travels. But these people are new. We know little about each other outside of the love of the outdoors. They don't understand why I am excited about a snow covered forest, or a sunset over a sleepy New England ski town. They don't get why I can't tear myself away from an ocean choked with ice floes or chandeliers of frozen water dangling from granite.
All the newness is absolutely incredible. But it's also taxing on the soul. Familiarity brings comfort and in my life, there is little of that.
Yes, this is my decision to do this. I could change course at any time and give it all up. But to tell you the truth, I wouldn't. This journey has helped me discover what is really important to me. Who is really important to me. Downsize even...maybe.
These thoughts came from talking to the few people with whom I've had the opportunity of spending more than a few hours — a rare blessing in my life right now. In our conversations, through their questions and our shared experiences, I realize this trip has become more than just my discovering eastern skiing. It's more than just me taking time to get over things that I don't need anymore. And it's certainly not just me chasing fun.
It's changing my life. It's one more step towards being who I really am, or at least who I envision myself to be one day.
It's about not waiting anymore for anyone else to live the life I have.
So I'll take the lonely dark roads and the handshakes with new faces and forgo the hugs and hot meals until I feel I've made the most of this part of my journey. The sacrifices are far outweighed by the beauty of this incredible world and the discovery of every potential I have. And because all these sacrifices are temporary, with this one life I have, I will not sit comfortably to simply wish and wait.
By the way, neither should you.
. . .
For more, see a past post I just stumbled upon. A few wise words on choices. Interesting where life has lead from the time that post was published.